Sunday, February 10, 2013

A broom

Since we are divorced, you should no longer text me to say since I am at target - could I get you a broom? What the fuck is the matter with you? Bigger question... Why did I buy the broom ?!?!?!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Parking lot

If there are seven spaces in a row ... Why do you park next to me so close I need a vat of crisco to get in my car?
News flash ... My car is a piece of shit with 125 thousand miles- I don't care if I scratch your Lexus with the pictures of your honor student Stepford children on the back! I also don't give a fuck if you have a baby on board or if you went to Penn State.
Good day!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Home again????

Lines at airport... Long
Behavior of teenager ... Don't ask
Behavior of 4 year old nephew.... An advertisement for birth control
Hours since arrived.... 6
Number of drinks I intend to consume... Endless

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Fighting with Christmas Lights

So I am decorating WAY early this year.  My teenage antichrist and I are flying out for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year to visit my parents.  This will be the first holiday season minus the ex-hole and I am trying to make it as painless as possible for my beloved 15 year old child of Satan. 

Two things to daughter is the best thing in my life, but teenagers can be assholes.  Also, my dad is buying these plane tickets.  I have zero room left on my credit cards and am buying groceries with change found in my couch cushions. Plane tickets are not in my budget. 

I decided to save anxiety and put up the outside lights today since it was 50 degrees and I hate cold as much as I hate the fact my ass has its own zip code.  I have never done this before......but, how hard can it be? 

 Let's begin at the beginning.  I discovered half the lights were dead-I also discovered that you should plug them in as you go.......not put them on all the bushes then try to plug them in.  The plug and socket ends have to match--who knew?  I had to take every light off and start over--twice.  I cut my hand open on a broken light, I tripped over the extension cord and fell down--twice.  I had to run to the store for lights--twice.  But, I did it!  I put up the lights.  They all work and I did not burn the house down.  It's a Christmas miracle!!!!!

I stood outside like the dad in Christmas Story and admired my work-it is not perfect, but is done and it is mine.  I can add this line to my online dating profile (if I ever get up the nerve to create one).

Kicks ass at putting up Christmas light...........not as good of a selling point as kicks ass at oral, but it might get some attention.  :-)

Sunday, November 11, 2012

New rules of NAKED

So one thing that happens when you get divorced is you start thinking that one day someone new might see you naked.  Let's do the math...........I am 41.  I was married for 19 years........and only the ex-hole saw me naked during that time.  When he first saw me naked, my boobs were not like the boobs in national geographic magainze.  I did not have stretch marks.  Whoever sees me naked next (a girl can dream) will see a very different me.  I still have weight to lose, I have stretch marks, and my tits point to South America.  This frightens me. 

I have also been informed that there are new standards of grooming.  I have never had a Brazillian.  I think my "girl parts" also look very National Geographic.  I am not sure-my fat roll covers them.  So who wants to see all this?  And why would I want anyone to?  These are the questions I ponder as I fold laundry.  In my dreams, Adam Levine sees it--and likes it.  But, that is not real life!

  Are there any men out there my age that do not want a 25 year old?  Or expect perfection?  All signs point to no.

In a fit of rage, the ex-hole told me that no one would ever want my "fat ass".  I would like him to be proven wrong.  I will diet, groom, and pluck-but, I will never be 25.  I might be naive,  but I am pretty sure some good man will want to take all of this on and will love it. And even if no one ever does-I do not need them to complete me.  This fat ass completes herself!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Blue Jeans

I am a child of the 80's.  That meant much of my youth was spent finding the perfect pair of blue jeans.  It all started in 4th grade when I got to pick out my own clothes.  It was a huge day.  We went to Sears.  Why did we go to Sears?  Well, I was fat then too.  I have been fat since conception.  We went to Sears because Sears had "pretty plus".  Those were clothes for fat girls.  They also had something called husky for fat boys.  My sister was shopping in the slim department....and I was searching the rack for jeans--in the pretty plus section. My skinny sister is a story for another day.  I will need to take a Xanax first.

  I looked and looked and found the perfect pair!  They had the Pittsburgh Steelers helmet in black satin on the back pocket.  OMG-the boy I loved  was a Pittsburgh Steelers fan.  He would see this on my ass and ask me to be his Valentine.  It was a dream come true.  They also had jeans with the Dallas Cowboys logo, but my best friend (also chubby) had those already. I decided-these were my destiny.

  I grew up in a small farm town in Indiana-we had no pro football team.  I did not know what a Steeler was or even what  Pittsburgh was-but, I bought the jeans.  The next day, I curled my hair, I put on my blue eye shadow (in the school bathroom cause I was not allowed to wear makeup).  I was rocking those jeans!  I knew this was the day my life would change.  I would be popular, I would be cool.  I had arrived.  I blasted the aqua net on my feathered hair, added some shiny lip gloss and walked into class.  I waited all day for someone to notice the new me.  We were in line at the end of the day for the bus and a pretty, blonde haired girl (I will call her bitch) says...........Christie-- what is that on your butt?  It looks like you sat in poop.  (I guess she did not recognize the awesome black helmet).  Everyone laughed, I went home and cried and never wore those jeans again. 

I continue to search for the perfect pair of jeans.  I have lost enough weight to almost be done with the "big girl" stores.  I still secretly hope a pair of jeans will change my life.  And I take pleasure that the skinny, bitchy, blonde was fat as shit at my class reunion!

Friday, November 9, 2012

What the hell?

What the hell?

 No one thinks one day when they say I do, they will be sitting alone drinking wine and worrying that they will never have sex again.  No one ever thinks one day that prince charming will cheat.  No one ever thinks that watching the Big Bang Theory will be the highlight of their Friday night.  If all of this sounds a bit dismal, let me try again.  I am sitting alone on Friday night and LOVING IT!  I ate what I wanted for dinner (cheese nips), drank some fruity wine coolers, and spent the better part of an hour creating ridiculous raps on my IPhone.  One thing about sleepover night with dad is that mom can watch what she wants on TV and enjoy an adult beverage.

There are many things that are sad about the breakdown of a marriage.  There is nothing more painful than finding out that vows were broken and that your life was not what you thought it was.  But, this is not the place to talk about pain and dissapointment.  I am not the only girl this happens to.  I will not be a victim and I will not define myself by the shit that someone else throws in my face.  This is the place that I start over.    This is when I pick my whiny ass up off the floor and focus on me.

 What I have learned in the past 6 months............
I am not defined by the word "Mrs.", I am still me--and for the first time in 20 years I can see who that is!
It is OK to not be part of a couple.  It is far better to be alone than to wake up next to someone and still feel lonely!
It sucks to realize you do not know how to change the gas tank on the grill.
It is OK to ask someone to help you change the gas tank on the grill.
It is best to work on you and not focus on the loss of HIM..........I have 60 less pounds of me (also 240 less if you count his fat ass) and I am still working on losing more.  I am proud of me-I kick ass.
That is what I want to do here-record the fact I kick ass.  No one will ever read this I bet, but I will have a record of what I can do--and it will be enough, no matter what.